1. I’m twenty-six years old and feel more lost than I ever have before in my entire life. I’ve forgotten who I was before the world decided who I should be, and worse, I don’t even know who I want to be anymore. I’ve spent so long trying so hard to be what I thought everyone around me wanted me to be, that somewhere along the way I lost myself and became defined by my efforts to please.

There. That’s out.   I’ve tried to cover up all of my insecurities and doubts with that people-pleasing mentality. I’ve tried so hard and failed so often to get it right, and then felt like I was an island standing still while those around me actually did get it right, leaving me watching helplessly as life passed me by. It’s not an easy thing to admit to, but I’ve been so caught up in wishes and envy that nothing in my life ever seemed good because it was always seen in the shadow of comparison.

And here I am, finally realizing this, and finally realizing that somewhere along the way, I lost the joy of living.

Sometimes God takes you to the end of yourself because that’s where you can see him most clearly.

I live in this amazing world, in this gorgeous state, with so much beauty all around me, with a wonderful family, and I’m missing it. This blog is my attempt to change that. It’s my place to document the beauty around me, without whitewashing the struggle. This is me, unfinished and imperfect, but learning to rest in the joy of the Lord because he is so good. Joy has been given to me! Why do I keep turning away from that and choosing instead to focus on my insecurities and let them define me?

And here’s a bonus confession for you: I say I want to be married, but the truth is, the very idea of marriage terrifies me. Completely and utterly paralyzes me. 

2 thoughts on “confessions

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