“I’ve noticed you’re not complaining about the cold as much this winter,” he said.
I blinked, surprised to realize that it was quite true. I hadn’t felt the cold quite as much; it hadn’t crept into my bones and immobilized me the way it had last year, where every breath I drew was “surviving, despite.” I had clung to the summer and to the sunshine, because sunshine was where I felt God’s love the most strongly, and sometimes that felt like the only thing keeping me sane – being able to actually feel something that I knew was there. Somehow the glow had continued with me into the winter months.
That was a little while ago – several weeks, at least, if not months.
Since then the darkness and the cold has been creeping back in. I’ve realized that part of what was keeping me in the sunlight is something I must fight and have been fighting against – because it is something that has not been given to me; a completely unfounded hope that would only bring pain if left indulged.
I promised myself this blog would be about honesty; there would be no stretching the truth in these posts. I’m not going to lie about where I am at. It is always best to focus on what is good, and what hope there is (and there is always hope in Christ!) but I also believe you cannot simply ignore things and hope they go away. And the truth is: I have never felt so alone in my life, so utterly useless. I don’t know who I am or what I am doing or where I am going.
There will be light. There is hope. I do know these things. And I must hold to them.