“I’ve noticed you’re not complaining about the cold as much this winter,” he said. 

I blinked, surprised to realize that it was quite true. I hadn’t felt the cold quite as much; it hadn’t crept into my bones and immobilized me the way it had last year, where every breath I drew was “surviving, despite.” I had clung to the summer and to the sunshine, because sunshine was where I felt God’s love the most strongly, and sometimes that felt like the only thing keeping me sane – being able to actually feel something that I knew was there. Somehow the glow had continued with me into the winter months. 

That was a little while ago – several weeks, at least, if not months. 

Since then the darkness and the cold has been creeping back in. I’ve realized that part of what was keeping me in the sunlight is something I must fight and have been fighting against – because it is something that has not been given to me; a completely unfounded hope that would only bring pain if left indulged. 

I promised myself this blog would be about honesty; there would be no stretching the truth in these posts. I’m not going to lie about where I am at. It is always best to focus on what is good, and what hope there is (and there is always hope in Christ!) but I also believe you cannot simply ignore things and hope they go away. And the truth is: I have never felt so alone in my life, so utterly useless. I don’t know who I am or what I am doing or where I am going. 

There will be light. There is hope. I do know these things. And I must hold to them. 


4 thoughts on “

  1. I want to reach out with what tiny light I have and say you’re not alone. I think I know what you’re talking about with that “unfounded hope” — how it can brighten everything and give it a hope and an aim, and yet there’s a subtle poison in it. It’s something I’ve fought (fight), too.

    But as for your second to last paragraph — even though it’s something I could totally write and feel about myself, coming from you I’m able to rise up against it. 1) Who you are: A daughter of the living God. 2) What you’re doing: Living the life He gave you. 3) Where you’re going: Farther up and further in!

    Don’t forget “Man’s goings are of the Lord, how can a man then understand his own way?” pr 20:24 — “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” rom 8:28.

    Hmm, and then something I just stumbled upon in the cross references to that: “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Eph 2:10

    That one should, I think, prove good food for thought for ME when I’m imagining my future as an extremely boring bookkeeper dying alone and impoverished in the company of cats. (truefax) How implausible, and there’s got to be something more, right, for a child of God?

    ❤ you

    1. Wow – nearly a year later and I JUST came across your comment. Oops!

      HOWEVER. Oh my goodness. I needed this, right here and now in this moment. How absolutely perfect, the timing – that something you said a year ago can reach out across the months and the distance and touch my heart at the precise place where it needed to be encouraged.

      Thank you, thank you, thank you! This was such a blessing to come across on this gray November day, when my little flicker of light felt like it was beginning to wane!

  2. I just came across your blog, it’s really great to read something and feel like you can relate! Even if it’s not winter technically, I totally understand the heart behind this post, I can relate to just having to write to remind myself to hope in God. There is hope and joy in Him! Thanks for posting.

    1. I’m such a horrible blogger – here I am four months later just now stumbling across your comment! Thank you for commenting, Cally – it truly does a heart SO much good to know that we are not alone in this, and that our hearts are understood!

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