This week:

-times told to wake up by customers: 2
-times made dumb mistakes that I had to call the customer about: 2
-times made dumb mistakes that I was at least able to fix right away: I lost count
-times felt like an incompetent idiot: I lost count
-times felt like a dumb fluttery teenager experiencing a first crush or something stupid and obnoxious like that: I’m not going to answer that.
-times the above made me say something dumb and make me feel like an incompetent idiot: several

 

-times God extended grace: I lost count.

trust.

“every experience God gives us, every person He puts into our lives, is the perfect preparation for a future only He can see.”

“The experiences of our lives, when we let God use them, become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work He will give us to do.”

-Corrie Ten Boom

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we possess, for He who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23

Why is it so hard to trust, sometimes? Why is it so easy to doubt, and to let those doubts fill your soul and take over until you feel like you’re staggering blindly through life, everything good only a series of coincidences, and everything bad also a series of coincidences? God has proved himself to me over, and over, and over, and still I stumble, and still he is faithful.

I’m thankful for so much today…brimful, overwhelming with gratitude. I’m thankful for those circumstances that have brought me where I am today. I’m thankful for the people who have loved me, hurt me, encouraged me, left me. I’m thankful for emotions, for being able to feel the love, the hurt, the anguish, the darkness, the joy. Things haven’t always worked out the way I thought they should. My life hasn’t gone the way I’ve informed God it should go, and bless it, please? But throughout everything…he has and is growing me into his creation. Because of it all I’ve experienced God in ways that I never would have if I’d gone the way I thought I should go. He has shown me so much mercy, grace, and love. And it’s overwhelming.

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It feels like Aslan is on the move inside my heart. Things are changing…growing…stretching. Reaching up toward the sun.

For the last two years I have hated winter. Hated it with a passion that even I didn’t understand, a deep loathing that started in my very bones. Winter felt like punishment. Cold, dark, miserable – only the magic of the very first snow was different, and even that was fleeting at best.

This year is going to be different. Because this time, it’s not winter in my heart. Sometimes you don’t appreciate the sun until you’ve been in darkness, and sometimes you don’t know the weight until you feel the freedom.

tonight…

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tonight is hard. I don’t know why. I know that God is good and has a plan for my life, and I trust in that. The hope for the future is there, but that doesn’t change the fact that right now and in this moment, I’m finding things a bit difficult. I miss people that no longer want me, and I miss the way things were. I used to feel like if I were sad, there was something wrong with me. Now I recognize that if I can’t be sad, there’s something wrong with me.

tonight I’m sad. Not in a throw-my-own-pity-party way, but in that bittersweet stillness where my heart just kind of aches.